Monday, 30 May 2016

Quarter life crisis

I haven't really put this out there much but I feel I should.
I'm scared.
Uncertainty, blankness, discouragement
swirling around my mind like layers of child scribbles on a sheet of a paper
once full of prospect and creative freedom
now nonsensical. A mess
'I was jealous of friends getting into postgraduate courses, lingering in their student life, buying time, postponing their entrance into the real world'

With a year to go, reality's upon me
slapping me around the face, making fun, causing me to feel like crap
We shouldn't live in regret or dwell on the past
but still I constantly question what if? what if?
because I feel like what I'm doing is wrong
'trying to navigate through the education system and basically not knowing which direction anything is going, let alone yourself'

It all seemed so simple
living with the fantasy that things would come as easily as sliding over a rainbow
to the gold at the end
but I'm forever staring at rainbows
and when I feel like I know who I am, what I want to do, setbacks come
'I think I've already realised the person I want to be and it's liberating but also leaves you thinking 'what the fuck do I do with my life?'

I feel guilty that the money that I spend is not my own
that I'm doing a degree that I feel isn't worth it
that my family look down on me with concern and disgust
and although they never show it outright, or say it to me, I know what they're thinking 
when is she going to grow up?
'if there's one thing worth being obsessive over it's your finances'

I understand that I need to get out there and gain experience
but I also need money
money that's harder to attain than I always expected
then there's the doubt and the aforementioned questioning 
as I live with the mentality of a confused teenager
'up until graduating, all I wanted was  to be a grown up. Now that I have managed, somehow, to climb the steps up to the adult-life floor, I despise it'

I'm aware that this sounds depressing and it's just a stage
reality takes over, regret takes over, society takes over
but things can get better, I can make things better
still I fear that in a year I'll be left abandoned in the lonely world of full grown adulthood
where preparation should have been made sooner
'The pressures to succeed emotionally, physically and financially in a ridiculously short span of time are outweighing the real root of 'happiness'' The end.

Quotes taken from Issue 3 of Girls Club zine, Quarter Life Crisis

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